My birthday is coming up.

I used to lovelovelove my birthday. All the attention on me (typical youngest child behavior) and presents and CAKE and all the good vibes that came with it.

Then somewhere down the line, I started to dislike my birthday more and more. I think it started in high school when I saw people decorate their friends lockers on their birthdays and I think except some small decorations on mine freshman year, no one ever did that for me (and I could be making the freshman year ones up too, it’s a little fuzzy to me after ten years). People would be nice to me in school on my birthday but no one ever offered to do anything with me? The birthday that was a definitive turning point was my 17th. I asked several people to go see The Darjeeling Limited with me as it would be my first R rated movie “alone”. Everyone bailed. I was on my way to the movie theater when the last person suddenly couldn’t make it. I lied to my mom that she was already inside. I couldn’t bear to tell her I’d be in there alone. She probably would have come with me, but it felt too pathetic. I enjoyed the movie (although it’s technically in the bottom ranking of Wes Anderson films for me. I can’t tell if it’s because of the movie itself or the memories associate with it, but I’ve only seen it one other time since that day.)

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Another mental health post after months of absence.

Do you ever do something with good intentions but it turns out horribly wrong and you feel like shit?

My boyfriend and I have been working through some issues lately, but it’s been leaving me paranoid, angry, sad, and frustrated all at once. Almost every minute of every day. I am happy a lot, I really am. Those just come more easily to me now. It gets better the more we work at it though. 

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I’m doing this “listen to a record a day” project on my music blog, and I’ve been finding myself too depressed to work on it lately. I’ll find reasons to put it off and I’ll end up doing two days in one to make up for it.

I did have to work unexpectedly tonight, but it was such a terrible day that I just have no energy to write up reports on this stuff. That means I have to do three tomorrow, plus skype my friend (which was supposed to happen tonight but…work), plus clean my house for when my boyfriend and friend come to stay for a few days, plus…probably something else I’m forgetting. All while working 5-7 hour shifts in between all of this.

Also, working with a truly incompetent employee at work makes me SO disagreeable and it took everything in me not to yell at him. That’s not like me, I’m a nice person to just about everybody I meet (exceptions being those who are mean to me first obviously) and I hate that he gets to me like this but working with him is actually taking a serious toll on me. I’m always extremely irritable both during and after our shifts together, I come off as rude to him when just saying the simplest of things/instructions, and I get blood-boiling angry just being within two feet of him so I try and stay wherever he isn’t. He was pissing off customers tonight too though and I just don’t get paid enough to babysit him/clean up after him AND do all the tasks required of my job (it’s just a shitty Subway job, nothing really important). 

I also get really upset when my boyfriend doesn’t text me after six hours of nothing from him. I know he does stuff when he’s away, but it bothers me sometimes that he doesn’t always make an effort with me. Sometimes I think he has more fun away from me.

I noticed a big increase in followers?? But I think I lost most of them when I didn’t update as quickly as they expected, haha. Thanks to the four of you who stuck it out!

I want to update this blog, and I’ll try! It’s just so hard for me to focus so intensely on my eating anymore because I end up going crazy.

More life updates since September:

-got into a weird not-really-fight with my manager at the store I transferred to in Ohio and now I kind of demoted myself to just working floor sets every few weeks. I really miss being on the floor but I wasn’t happy with how she was treating my requests for time off to go visit my FAMILY in NY over the holidays. Now she acts super nice when I see her, but I’m still a little resentful

-got a job at a Subway (ugh I hate it) but I get way more hours than I was at my other retail job and this one is 2 miles away instead of 22. I ride my bike whenever it’s really nice out.

-boyfriend left for tour last week (for the whole summer) so I’m really upset to be spending an entire summer alone in my apartment with only two or three friends in town. I found a few things to do in the first few days he was gone, but now I have nothing. I just work, come home and watch stuff on my computer until I have to go to bed. I’ve even been neglecting my reading which sucks. I’m trying to find things to do though, but it’s hard when you live in a dead-end town.

-our scale broke a few weeks ago so I haven’t weighed myself in awhile. I’ve gotten to where I can judge where I am by looking in the mirror though. It’s all in the stomach, never anywhere else. My arms are looking reaaally good though.

-I joined the campus gym here and got to do my beloved Body Pump for pretty much the whole school year! Now it’s summer and I only have my bike rides, but it’s better than nothing.

-I have a job interview in NYC in a few weeks and I’m so excited but I also have a million mixed feelings

-I did REALLY well shopping alone for the next two weeks last week. Lots of veggies and healthy things. Not that we ate junk before, I’m just proud of where I’m at.

That’s about it! Hopefully I’ll have more stuff to talk about soon.

Oh hey, I got hacked. Cool.

Well update:

I’ve moved into the new apartment in Ohio with my boyfriend and I absolutely hate it here. Not the living with him part, just the being here part. He went on tour this weekend so today makes the third day in a row I’ve been totally alone and it sucks.

I’ve lost 5 pounds since labor day weekend and I don’t know how because I haven’t been able to exercise.

Attempting to make this blog more…interesting. For lack of a better word.

I’m starting to think I’m a blog addict? I have a personal blog and a newly created music blog, eep.

I had an extremely stressful weekend even though I still had fun, if that makes sense. After a year of tension building up, my boyfriend’s best friend/roommate and I got into a huge fight about nothing but stemmed from something that’s been a huge cause of stress and pain for me. Mainly because he’s been such a terrible person to me over it (basic gist is, I got a gig booking shows at a venue where I went to college and he said that I should use his help but I knew (and I mean I KNEW) that he would start to edge me out and take it over all together. I’m doing this for my career, he would be doing it to be an asshole and because he thinks he’s the center of the universe. I REALLY wanted to do it for me, and I guess a part of me also didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of me giving in)

Soooo yeah. Huge fight. Huge. In front of a few people (luckily in a house, not in a bar or anything) and then this led me to get into a huge fight with my boyfriend. Things were said, tears were shed (no rhyme intended), and we’re fine now but it was not exactly a pleasant evening.

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Woke up early for 9:30 yoga on Friday even though I didn’t get home from work until midnight

I had a long day at work and didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before. I was sooo tired but promised myself I’d work out at least a little since I won’t get to work out tomorrow (possibly working and then going to Pittsburgh for a jazz concert with my boyfriend…and his two friends) or Wednesday (working an 8 hour day, without the manager’s salary. oof) and while I couldn’t manage to get on the elliptical for 20 mins, I did get off my ass and did a 6 min HIIT workout.


Workout Track:

Monday - 20 mins weights (12.5lbs, mainly arm stuff)

1 hour yoga (with plenty of strength moves so I feel throughly worked out at the end)

Tuesday - got to zumba late because I was dress shopping (go figure) for my grandpa’s 95th birthday lunch in a few weeks so only about 35 mins of zumba

Wednesday - planned to go to the gym a little early like on Monday to do some weights but was toooo tired. Worked an early shift and was the only one on the sales floor so I was running around for 5 hours so instead of: returning a sweater, painting my toes, and general-ness I talked to the boyfriend for a little bit and then took a 1.5 hour nap haha. So just the one hour of yoga for me today.


Thursday - depending on how I feel and if I’m working a late/floorset shift after my normal shift ends at 3:30 tomorrow I’ll either go to Pilates or do a mix of my own weights and “hiking” for a little bit

Friday - depending on how much sleep I get (and I’ll aim to be good) might attempt to go to yoga at 9:30 and be done and ready to go in time for my shift at 11 yaaay. If no yoga, then just a mix of weights and hiking after work. No foreseeable plans (as usual)

Saturday - don’t know my schedule yet. If I see my boyfriend, I’ll take a break and if I don’t I’ll do a quick workout. 30 mins tops. I’ve been working every day this week so standing/walking/lifting some stuff definitely counts for something.

Sunday - Easter mass (presumably), work 12:15-5, my gym closes at 2 on Easter (but normally closes around 6 or 7) so I’ll take a rest day


Today was pretty decent. I can’t count calories anymore as I get waaaay too obsessive but I think I hit a good range, ate about 90-95% clean and it was all “good food. I also drank three or four of my water bottle which holds about 4 cups so yay hydration!

I was sick all last week so Tuesday and Wednesday marked the first time I’ve worked out in awhile. 

I had a big fight with my boyfriend and was too stressed to eat over the weekend and I lost two pounds? The crazy part was seeing a noticeable difference in my stomach. It’s a shame it had to happen the bad way. Once we figured everything out and I started eating normally I went back up to my usual 119. Now I got my period a day early and as hard as I’ve tried I really can’t work out on my period. So now my workouts will be cut short another week sigh.

I think I overate today? But my victory has been that not only do I rarely overeat intentionally anymore like “oh it’s one cupcake. Oh it’s one ___” (usually it’s because I’m going out to dinner or I’m forced to eat something that causes me to overeat like Monday night at my boyfriend’s band’s show and the only vegetarian thing was grilled cheese and fries and I was staaaaaarving) but if I do overeat because of emotions (like today) or whatnot, it’s all healthy food. I had dark chocolate peanut butter and banana on a wheat wrap, some leftover flatbread pizza, a tuna salad and crackers pack from Bumble Bee, grilled cheese on wheat bread with minestrone soup and some pasta salad (not the heavy kind), a Kashi cookie, some dark chocolate, and then another wrap with spinach, pepperjack, roasted peppers and some creamy poppyseed dressing lightly drizzled. 

I “feel fat” but that’s probably because I didn’t work out, I only worked for 3 hours today (I walk around/lift things/am on my feet) instead of the five or six I thought I would be, and I meant to make up for that by doing a light workout or by cleaning a bit and being on my feet for a few hours but I was just way too exhausted. 

Just rambling. This is the worst I’ve felt about my eating and stuff in awhile because for the past few months I’ve been super diligent about eating right (75-80% of the time) and going to the gym at least 5 days a week. I don’t feel I’ve gone off track since I was sick and now I’m gonna feel icky the whole weekend, but can’t wait to get back to my routine. 

This whole eating 1600 calories a day thing and making sure it’s good healthy food is starting to drive me insane.

I’ll eat really great food, I’m full and happy and satisfied. I don’t count calories anymore as I got too obsessed, but I’m mindful of what I’m eating throughout the day. So I’ll count up everything I ate, thinking I’ll be set.


it’ll be something ridiculous like under 1000 or only 1300. 

I’m tired of waking up bloated every day even though I drink a decent amount of water/my pee is clear (TMI but whatever) and yeah I don’t eat 100% every single day but I’d say I’m definitely at about 70-80% every day. Good, clean food, with a couple processed items here and there either because it’s not my choice or I just wanted something. And it’s all good food too. No candy or very few sweets, no chips (except like pita chips or veggie sticks?), nothing like that. I’m not sitting around eating a whole bag of Doritos and wondering why I’m stuck.

So in my mind, I’m either bloated because I ate under 1600 or over 1600 AND I CAN’T TELL. 

I’ll drop down to 118, won’t do anything crazy or out of the ordinary, and back to 119 the next week or a few days later.

And you know what’s bizarre? I have lost ten pounds since last summer according to the scale, my pants are looser, I’m pretty much back into a pair of shorts I haven’t worn in three years since I bought them in England and got fat two months later, but my measurements are the exact same???

Feeling very frustrated. I know that at 119 I’m not going to lose a pound a week or whatever, but I’m just perpetually stuck even though I’ve changed up my workouts and the whole 1600 calorie thing just started about a year ago. I don’t know what to do.