One Girl's Race To Be Happy And Healthy

Attempting to make this blog more…interesting. For lack of a better word. I’m starting...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:55:37 -0400

Attempting to make this blog more…interesting. For lack of a better word.

I’m starting to think I’m a blog addict? I have a personal blog and a newly created music blog, eep.

I had an extremely stressful weekend even though I still had fun, if that makes sense. After a year of tension building up, my boyfriend’s best friend/roommate and I got into a huge fight about nothing but stemmed from something that’s been a huge cause of stress and pain for me. Mainly because he’s been such a terrible person to me over it (basic gist is, I got a gig booking shows at a venue where I went to college and he said that I should use his help but I knew (and I mean I KNEW) that he would start to edge me out and take it over all together. I’m doing this for my career, he would be doing it to be an asshole and because he thinks he’s the center of the universe. I REALLY wanted to do it for me, and I guess a part of me also didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of me giving in)

Soooo yeah. Huge fight. Huge. In front of a few people (luckily in a house, not in a bar or anything) and then this led me to get into a huge fight with my boyfriend. Things were said, tears were shed (no rhyme intended), and we’re fine now but it was not exactly a pleasant evening.

So the fight stemmed from one recent culmination of events, but he’s been rude to me pretty much ever since my bf and I started dating a year ago so it’s been a long time coming. He hates my personality and he thinks I’m going to leech off of my boyfriend’s success and that he’ll be the breadwinner and I’ll never amount to anything. Says the slacker man-child who is basically an alcoholic, pees himself regularly when drunk, is only good at playing the sax but has only ever gotten gigs through other people, his idea of quitting a job is to just not show up, he hasn’t held a job for very long either, he doesn’t have one now, can’t have a healthy relationship, has a nasty attitude towards other people and life in general, had the stomach flu and vomited/diarrhea all over the bathroom and didn’t clean it up because “he had to leave for a gig and didn’t have time” so my boyfriend almost had to clean it up, enjoys living in his own filth, and is all around the absolute worst person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. He 90% most likely has no money saved up since all he does is ask people to buy him drinks cause he’s “broke” or he spends it on drugs, and his post-graduation plan is to “move to Seattle and see what pans out” oy vey. I know he won’t get a part time job either so he’ll mooch off of a roommate and end up alone and in the gutter the end.

The saddest part is that my boyfriend can’t seem to grasp this. He knows he’s a bad person (or rather immature and has a bad attitude) but he refuses to just let him go. I’m hoping that changes once they stop living together and I’ll never have to see him again. Most of his friends have been uninvited to our future wedding already because apparently they were pissed that he didn’t get me “pre-approved” by them when we first started dating. He just keeps telling me “I wish you guys didn’t hate each other but it is what it is” pfft okay. I never liked these guys, they’re all the same. Drunken idiots who are going nowhere with their lives.

So me being the adult and bigger person, I tried to fix things and he wouldn’t have it so that’s on him now. I still have to deal with him until boyfriend and I officially move in August, but whatever. My presence seems to bother him more than his bothers me. So the weekend got a little easier as it went on. It just sucked being at my boyfriend’s grad recital (a big deal) and I couldn’t sit with him because all his friends were around and I don’t like any of them and they don’t like me. Can’t wait to see what the next few weeks brings.

Now I’ve just accepted it. It’s all out in the open and I don’t have to have my kindness and generosity exploited by them. I gave them rides, and they act like drunk idiots and shout out wrong directions so I get us almost killed etc etc

I had the day off today and I just slept for 12 hours, and did nothinggg and it was well needed and awesome. I made it to zumba but that’s about it.

I trust him and I love him and I know he loves me too, but now my biggest concern is trying to make sure none of what they do or say to/about me doesn’t affect my boyfriend when I’m not around. That’s the most stressful thing of all.

Working on myself these next few days/weeks, working on my mental health as well as physical. Overhauling blogs and life choices, etc.

Success: Woke up early for 9:30 yoga on Friday even though I didn’t get home from work until...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 22:47:31 -0400

Success:

Woke up early for 9:30 yoga on Friday even though I didn’t get home from work until midnight

I had a long day at work and didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before. I was sooo tired but promised myself I’d work out at least a little since I won’t get to work out tomorrow (possibly working and then going to Pittsburgh for a jazz concert with my boyfriend…and his two friends) or Wednesday (working an 8 hour day, without the manager’s salary. oof) and while I couldn’t manage to get on the elliptical for 20 mins, I did get off my ass and did a 6 min HIIT workout.

Progress.

Workout Track: Monday - 20 mins weights (12.5lbs, mainly arm stuff) 1 hour yoga (with plenty of...

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 01:01:00 -0400

Workout Track:

Monday - 20 mins weights (12.5lbs, mainly arm stuff)

1 hour yoga (with plenty of strength moves so I feel throughly worked out at the end)

Tuesday - got to zumba late because I was dress shopping (go figure) for my grandpa’s 95th birthday lunch in a few weeks so only about 35 mins of zumba

Wednesday - planned to go to the gym a little early like on Monday to do some weights but was toooo tired. Worked an early shift and was the only one on the sales floor so I was running around for 5 hours so instead of: returning a sweater, painting my toes, and general-ness I talked to the boyfriend for a little bit and then took a 1.5 hour nap haha. So just the one hour of yoga for me today.

Upcoming:

Thursday - depending on how I feel and if I’m working a late/floorset shift after my normal shift ends at 3:30 tomorrow I’ll either go to Pilates or do a mix of my own weights and “hiking” for a little bit

Friday - depending on how much sleep I get (and I’ll aim to be good) might attempt to go to yoga at 9:30 and be done and ready to go in time for my shift at 11 yaaay. If no yoga, then just a mix of weights and hiking after work. No foreseeable plans (as usual)

Saturday - don’t know my schedule yet. If I see my boyfriend, I’ll take a break and if I don’t I’ll do a quick workout. 30 mins tops. I’ve been working every day this week so standing/walking/lifting some stuff definitely counts for something.

Sunday - Easter mass (presumably), work 12:15-5, my gym closes at 2 on Easter (but normally closes around 6 or 7) so I’ll take a rest day

Eating:

Today was pretty decent. I can’t count calories anymore as I get waaaay too obsessive but I think I hit a good range, ate about 90-95% clean and it was all “good food. I also drank three or four of my water bottle which holds about 4 cups so yay hydration!

I was sick all last week so Tuesday and Wednesday marked the first time I’ve worked out in...

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:09:00 -0400

I was sick all last week so Tuesday and Wednesday marked the first time I’ve worked out in awhile.

I had a big fight with my boyfriend and was too stressed to eat over the weekend and I lost two pounds? The crazy part was seeing a noticeable difference in my stomach. It’s a shame it had to happen the bad way. Once we figured everything out and I started eating normally I went back up to my usual 119. Now I got my period a day early and as hard as I’ve tried I really can’t work out on my period. So now my workouts will be cut short another week sigh.

I think I overate today? But my victory has been that not only do I rarely overeat intentionally anymore like “oh it’s one cupcake. Oh it’s one ___” (usually it’s because I’m going out to dinner or I’m forced to eat something that causes me to overeat like Monday night at my boyfriend’s band’s show and the only vegetarian thing was grilled cheese and fries and I was staaaaaarving) but if I do overeat because of emotions (like today) or whatnot, it’s all healthy food. I had dark chocolate peanut butter and banana on a wheat wrap, some leftover flatbread pizza, a tuna salad and crackers pack from Bumble Bee, grilled cheese on wheat bread with minestrone soup and some pasta salad (not the heavy kind), a Kashi cookie, some dark chocolate, and then another wrap with spinach, pepperjack, roasted peppers and some creamy poppyseed dressing lightly drizzled.

I “feel fat” but that’s probably because I didn’t work out, I only worked for 3 hours today (I walk around/lift things/am on my feet) instead of the five or six I thought I would be, and I meant to make up for that by doing a light workout or by cleaning a bit and being on my feet for a few hours but I was just way too exhausted.

Just rambling. This is the worst I’ve felt about my eating and stuff in awhile because for the past few months I’ve been super diligent about eating right (75-80% of the time) and going to the gym at least 5 days a week. I don’t feel I’ve gone off track since I was sick and now I’m gonna feel icky the whole weekend, but can’t wait to get back to my routine.

This whole eating 1600 calories a day thing and making sure it’s good healthy food is starting...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 23:38:00 -0400

This whole eating 1600 calories a day thing and making sure it’s good healthy food is starting to drive me insane.

I’ll eat really great food, I’m full and happy and satisfied. I don’t count calories anymore as I got too obsessed, but I’m mindful of what I’m eating throughout the day. So I’ll count up everything I ate, thinking I’ll be set.

NOPE

it’ll be something ridiculous like under 1000 or only 1300.

I’m tired of waking up bloated every day even though I drink a decent amount of water/my pee is clear (TMI but whatever) and yeah I don’t eat 100% every single day but I’d say I’m definitely at about 70-80% every day. Good, clean food, with a couple processed items here and there either because it’s not my choice or I just wanted something. And it’s all good food too. No candy or very few sweets, no chips (except like pita chips or veggie sticks?), nothing like that. I’m not sitting around eating a whole bag of Doritos and wondering why I’m stuck.

So in my mind, I’m either bloated because I ate under 1600 or over 1600 AND I CAN’T TELL.

I’ll drop down to 118, won’t do anything crazy or out of the ordinary, and back to 119 the next week or a few days later.

And you know what’s bizarre? I have lost ten pounds since last summer according to the scale, my pants are looser, I’m pretty much back into a pair of shorts I haven’t worn in three years since I bought them in England and got fat two months later, but my measurements are the exact same???

Feeling very frustrated. I know that at 119 I’m not going to lose a pound a week or whatever, but I’m just perpetually stuck even though I’ve changed up my workouts and the whole 1600 calorie thing just started about a year ago. I don’t know what to do.

Wow, I seriously neglected this blog. I still aim to live the healthy life, I just need to learn not...

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 22:03:37 -0500

Wow, I seriously neglected this blog.

I still aim to live the healthy life, I just need to learn not to get so obsessed.

Updates since…wow end of December 2011:

-got a boyfriend in March 2012 (as sad as it sounds, nothing exciting happened before then. That’s just how it worked out)

-graduated college in May 2012

-started what was supposed to be a great music internship in June

-quit in July cause they shiiiiiiitty people

-joined a gym down the street from my mall in June. Started off going there slowly but surely and now I’ve increased to not liking missing a day. I prefer doing the classes but in order to not get lazy I force myself to “do my own thing” a few days a week. About a half hour of weights/strength moves. Sometimes about 15-20 mins depending on intensity and just how fast I finish the two routines I print out.

-boyfriend joined The Town Pants and I joined them for some of the more local dates of tour to run their merch table. I’ll be doing it again this summer so if they stop anywhere near you, check them out!

-I went to working my two retail jobs as full time as possible. Which is still not enough to make as much money as I need in life.

-quit one job in October cause they shiiiiiitty people

-weighed myself and realized I lost ten pounds since coming home from school. Must have been all that standing at work? I didn’t change my diet much (I always aim to keep it clean and healthy)

-turned 22 in October

-went through a lot of ups and downs this year. Mainly with the stereotypical post-grad analysis.

-Spent a lot of time in NYC visiting my boyfriend while he did his student teaching

-we decided we’re gonna move in together in August!

-In Ohio, where he’s going to grad school

and now here I am. Hovering between 119-120ish range weight wise. Kind of stuck in my life, I really just go to work, work out, come home and read or watch TV. I have friends but no one ever reaches out to hang out with me so I’ve stopped trying with some of them too. I can’t be the only one always asking people to go get dinner or see a movie. Moving to Ohio will be moving to another small college town, about an hour and a half away fro Cleveland and four hours away from home, but I think a change will be good for me. Not to mention I love my boyfriend and we can obviously withstand long distance, but we were only physically near each other for 1.5 months before he moved back home…and then moved back to our college town to tour with the band. That’s an hour away from me, so it’s still long distance. If he moved to Ohio and I didn’t but we stayed together…it would just be even harder. He’s worth it, we’re worth it, but I just can’t keep doing it.

So I’m aiming to check in here more often. I’m still working on recovering from several EDs but every day is a challenge that I strive to overcome in that sense. For example, I didn’t get to eat that much yesterday and as I was visiting my boyfriend I managed to eat three pop-tarts and split a basket of fries with him (there may have been, ahem, other substances that led to these decisions haha) and I managed not to freak out…too much.

So yeah, I see 21 of you have stuck around (which I think was the same amount I left with?) so thanks.

Please update me on your lives! I know some of us were starting to interact more once I took my unannounced hiatus.

Problems I need to acknowledge and face head-on

Wed, 28 Dec 2011 00:45:55 -0500

I have stopped caring as much about my health - I try to stick to a calorie limit but I have been THE WORST when it comes to exercising. So bad. I’m pretty sure I’ve only exercised twice in December.
I tell myself I am fine being single, that I’m not looking for anyone, and to some extent that’s true…but I also fall for every single guy who is nice to me and treats me well. I’m talking just being friendly at work, or a customer joking with me or whatever. I need to either be serious about being single, or I need to start being smarter about how I am with guys.
I have a shopping problem. A deadly one.
I don’t read nearly as often as I should (sounds silly, but that’s serious for me)
I claim to dislike people so much, but I have some great friends and I need to make more of an effort hanging out with them. Start weeding out the bad from the good too.
I don’t care about school nearly as much as I should. It always ends up biting me in the ass when grades come, and I can never seem to wake myself up.

I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones at the top of my list right now. This week and New Year’s is all about starting to sort through the crap in my life. Mental de-cluttering.

I am finally home for winter break. This semester had a lot of good moments, but plenty of moments I...

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 03:24:17 -0500

I am finally home for winter break.

This semester had a lot of good moments, but plenty of moments I wish I could just forget.

I have been slacking off hard core on pretty much everything:

-I’ve only been so-so with eating

-I gave up on my exams halfway through the week

-I haven’t exercised in about two weeks (three?)

-I finished a book last night for the first time since Thanksgiving

-I barely post here any more

IT NEEDS TO CHANGE!

I won’t be getting a good night’s sleep tonight (it’s almost 3:30 right now) so we’ll see how I feel in the morning, but I definitely want to hop on the elliptical at some point before I go to work at 5 tomorrow night. Even if it’s just for 20 mins. I’ll be standing and working in retail for 4 hours, so 20 mins would be fantastic.

Exercising is going to be hard this break. I have a new internship most weekdays and I will most likely be working every week night and during the day on Saturdays and Sundays. I’m going to try my best though, and at least with work I’m standing and moving and not sitting down so there’s that.

It’s time for me to get back on track! To take measurements and pictures and see a change. I have lots of things coming up that I want to look good for. Not to mention I’m hoping that if I throw myself into working out, I’ll not only be diligent and therefore see a huge difference, but I’ll also forget about other issues going on in life. Or, who knows, maybe working out will give me some clarity and I’ll be able to solve these problems.

I’ll be posting some goals and things within the week. I just need to get a handle on how life is going to be for the next month and go from there.

Finals week is here! Therefore, I shall be MIA until this weekend. New plans New goals New...

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:35:15 -0500

Finals week is here!

Therefore, I shall be MIA until this weekend.

New plans

New goals

New life

Looking forward to it :)

A case of the sleepies has won out in the battle to work out a decent amount. Lots of confusing and...

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 18:35:50 -0500

A case of the sleepies has won out in the battle to work out a decent amount.

Lots of confusing and good things going on lately. I shall post more when I am not so tired.

Next Semester’s registered classes: M, W: 9-9:50 - Body Sculpting 10-10:50 - Basic...

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 21:22:03 -0500

Next Semester’s registered classes:

M, W:

9-9:50 - Body Sculpting

10-10:50 - Basic Aerobics

(and if the gym offers zumba next semester, 3-4 Zumba…no credit)

T,R:

11AM-7PM - boring classes (Intro to Dance is thrown in there somewhere)

No classes :)

I’m going to want to kill myself every Tuesday and Thursday, but I’m gonna be riiiiipped :)

I’ve been so MIA lately because I finally met with the nutritionist at school (who knew we had...

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 23:41:06 -0400

I’ve been so MIA lately because I finally met with the nutritionist at school (who knew we had one?? They should be advertising the hell out of this service! I only found out about it through my counselor) and I’m not meeting with her again until Wednesday, so I don’t have much of a fitness plan as of now.

I’ve been feeling like a failure lately. I just got an F on a paper and it seems like the ONLY reason for it was that it wasn’t long enough. He didn’t say a word about the content or how well/badly it was written. I’ve also not been doing so well on some tests (but one of those was because I was in the hospital the night before for heart palpitations…long story, but everything’s fine)

It’s every area of my life, not just fitness. Relationships, school (especially), sticking to goals, willpower, fitness, losing weight, being healthy, accomplishing goals and actually making something of my life.

I don’t know what happened to me or where my drive went. I honestly could drop out of school right now and not even bat an eye. Of course I would cry when it came time to find a job, but we’re talking about the present.

I could eat that entire cake that’s sitting in the fridge….in one sitting.

I could lay in my bed and never move a muscle again.

I could skip every class and never take a test.

I could just quit all three of my jobs while I’m at it.

And shaving? Call me Bigfoot because that’s how hairy I’ll get.

I could never have another human interaction and be fine with that.

And forget boys (which I say practically every other day BUT FOR SERIOUS. All they do is jerk you around and all ANY boy does is send me mixed signals.)

But I’m digressing….this is a fitness blog, no?

The sad thing is, I don’t even know WHAT to make happen to get my old self back. It won’t be as easy as acing a test or having a good interaction with someone…it’s going to be something much deeper than that.

I just need to find it.

You know how some days when you get home, you just don’t feel like leaving again? That was me...

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:51:01 -0400

You know how some days when you get home, you just don’t feel like leaving again?

That was me today.

I skipped Bodysculpting and I planned to just lay in bed all day and listen to Spotify and think and do nothing and then go to bed feeling worthless….

but then I remembered that my 21st birthday is two weeks away which means my party is two weeks away and the dress that I ordered for my costume is much shorter and body-hugging than I planned for it to be and I got up off my ass and did 30 minutes of jell-o leg worthy strength training.

Even if I started at the beginning of the month (what with my body and all) I wouldn’t have lost/toned as much weight as I wanted to by my birthday, but every little bit counts right?

I’m trying to post here more.

I’m trying to support everyone more.

I’m trying to be happy with what I have at every stage until I can get better.

I’m trying to do the best that I can given the circumstances.

GMO foods should be labeled!

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:01:43 -0400

healthfoodstalker:

Don’t you think we, as consumers should have a choice???

If so, sign this petition:

http://action.ewg.org/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=1948&tag=201110gmopetitionemail2&utm_source=gmopetitionemail2&utm_medium=email&utm_content=header&utm_campaign=food

Please sign! We’re learning all about the horrors of GMO foods in my Chemistry and the Environment class and something needs to be done!

Eeeehhhhh I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m not losing inches but I’m...

Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:59:24 -0400

Eeeehhhhh I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

I’m not losing inches but I’m not gaining either, which you know is pretty cool.

I can’t sleep anymore. The earliest I fall asleep now is any time after 2 AM which leads to me sleeping in super late, or worse….getting sleepy during class, and then I can’t sleep again that night.

That means I never have the energy to work out. I was going to jog during commercials tonight, but I can’t even get out of bed to get some water let alone…you know…work.

*sigh*

Enjoying a nice fall treat of apple cider and crying over how badly my abs hurt. Like, seriously...

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 19:30:55 -0400

Enjoying a nice fall treat of apple cider and crying over how badly my abs hurt.

Like, seriously I’m laying in bed and it hurts to get up…and it hurts to lay and sleep…and it hurts to laugh…and it just hurts.

But I can’t get enough of it :)

Bodysculpting from 5-6 and this DEEEELISH dinner makes it all...

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 20:58:56 -0400

Bodysculpting from 5-6 and this DEEEELISH dinner makes it all worth it :)

Being a vegetarian is starting off pretty well so far.

Marketing garbage to kids

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 20:51:15 -0400

healthfoodstalker:

Wow, reese’s puff cereal is “healthy”? And kool-aid? Really?

Why do these companies get away with misrepresenting their food…it’s one thing to make a conscious decision to eat a little junk, another to be deceptive…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-f-jacobson/healthy-kids-foods-not-healthy_b_987155.html#s378767&title=Reeses_Puffs

One of my biggest health-related pet peeves!

Salvation has come in the form of fall break. A few days at home to relax, regroup and come back...

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 15:36:32 -0400

Salvation has come in the form of fall break. A few days at home to relax, regroup and come back ready to go (hopefully?)

I have been losing my momentum for EVERYTHING. Working out (I’m lucky if I get one work out in let alone a decent amount of three), eating within my calorie range (I’m actually pretty good, but I still see even a healthy snack and if I want it, I eat it), school, and life in general actually.

I can’t even say “Maybe I’m depressed” because I KNOW I have depression…I’ve been on my meds for like six months now. I just…blah. I don’t even know. I’m so so tired all the time and I feel sick a lot. I can’t even get off of the couch now to either do schoolwork or to ride my bike.

Hopefully when I come back to school, I can start forcing myself to go to the gym again and take some control back over my life.

I'm Going Back to Goals

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 15:29:00 -0400

October is coming up, and with it my 21st birthday! I’m going to try and set some goals to really improve my overall health and well being.

Some quick notes:

I am no longer concerned with the number on the scale. I know it goes up once you gain muscle, not to mention I have, like, 15 different things wrong with me and my body and mind and sometimes it’s my body’s fault and sometimes it’s my medications’ fault that my weight yo-yos. What I’m going to concern myself with is how I look, feel and what the tape measure says.

I am slowly converting to full vegetarianism. I have some chicken breasts left over in my freezer so I’ll use those up first. But then BAM. Morningstar and Boca burgers all the way.

I’m also switching from cow milk to almond milk. It’s better for the cows.

Goals

-work out AT LEAST 3 days a week, max 5 (my schedule is craaazy this semester. I can’t go to the gym everyday like I used to) even if it’s just 20 minutes of strength training!

-incorporate more strength and less cardio (just zumba and one or two cardiokick sessions)

-alcohol once a week

-Only ONE splurge day/night a week (unless I can’t control the circumstances…and in those cases, just try the best that I can)

-Start running. Zombie 5k is next year!

-Put more effort into school work

-NO.MORE.BOYS. (I’ve already been doing pretty well with that, I made a list to help keep me on track too haha)

-This is a big one shut off my laptop at 9 PM unless I am still doing schoolwork.

-Weather and schedule permitting, attempt to take one walk downtown (about 20 min round trip from my house) every day. I usually try and mail stuff out when I go.

-Clean room/go through possessions once a week. See what I can give away and see what I need more of.

-Get involved in more activities/organizations (green movement, animal cruelty, etc.)

Okay I’m in total “let’s get stuff done but let’s not do any actual homework!” mode so I need to stop before I keep making promises I can’t keep!